First, a VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. I am super excited to say that I have entered into a critiquing partnership with my friend, the super-blogger and critiquer of pure awesome, Matthew MacNish, who blogs over at the QQQE. What this means is that he will go on as he normally does, critiquing queries for novels over on his blog, but if he gets a picture book query, it will be featured here, with both of our feedback. Likewise, if I get a query for a novel, I'll send it on over to him and it will be featured over there, with both of our feedback. So make sure you're following him , and come one, come all! Send those queries in!
The inaugural query comes from the wonderful Catherine Johnson, a friend of mine in both the Interwebz and the Real World, who can always be counted on for encouragement and a cheerful smile. She's a regular blogger about kids, pets, books, and the writing life, and it was REALLY BRAVE of her to agree to be the first to
Back? Good! Here's Catherine's query, with my redline to follow:
Dear (agent),
I would like to submit Big Al of the Everglades for your consideration. I have submitted to your agency before and I really like your write-up on Literary Rambles. You have an impressive client list full of my favorite authors such as XXXXXX.
A hungry alligator can catch nothing but a cold, scaring away his lunch with his sneezing. After many failed attempts to catch his lunch, he learns to use his sneezes to his advantage with the local fisherman and discovers something new for the lunchtime menu - fish!
I am a member of SCBWI, Canadian Chapter and I participate in an online critique group plus beta readers. My publishing credits include poems and flash fiction published by Pill Hill Press.
BIG AL OF THE EVERGLADES is a funny 134 word picture book for 3-8 year olds. This is a simultaneous submission and you can contact me at the email address below.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Name, contact details, etc.
I honestly think there's a lot of good stuff in here. There's definitely some tweaking and polishing that can be done, but the basic elements are all here, which is a great start.
Dear (agent),
I would like to submit Big Al of the Everglades Remember ALL CAPS for manuscript titles. You did it at the end, but you need to do it every time you mention the title of your MS. for your consideration. I have submitted to your agency before Unless you got personal feedback, I don't think you necessarily need to mention this. In my experience, agents rarely remember the form rejections, unless you've got a really unusual name or your query was one of those awful ones that was written in crayon and came in an envelope full of glitter. and I really like your write-up on Literary Rambles. I actually heard one agent at a conference say that he'd rather people read his interviews and agency website than his write-up on Literary Rambles, but I LOVE Literary Rambles. There are a number of good links in those write-ups - maybe reference something the agent said in one of those linked interviews instead? You have an impressive client list full of my favorite authors such as XXXXXX. I like the sentiment here, but maybe rephrase it to exclude "impressive" - "I was delighted to find that authors x, y, and z, whose books I love, are all represented by you," or something.
A hungry alligator can catch nothing but a cold, scaring away his lunch with his sneezing. I LOVE this premise, and I love the phrasing of "can catch nothing but a cold" - but maybe you can rephrase "A hungry alligator" to reflect the tone of your story a bit more? You could even pull a phrase directly from your manuscript here: "Al the alligator was simply starving," or whatever it is. Just spice it up a little. After many failed attempts to catch his lunch, he learns to use his sneezes to his advantage with the local fisherman and discovers something new for the lunchtime menu - fish!
This last part was great, except that I'm confused about why fish would be a new thing, and I fear that you might be giving your ending away. Maybe cut the part about the local fisherman and cut "fish" - just tell us that he discovers something new for the lunchtime menu. Then whoever reads the query will want to read the pages to find out how he uses sneezes to his advantage, and what the something new will be.
I am a member of SCBWI,
Perfect. Succinct, professional, straightforward.
BIG AL OF THE EVERGLADES is a funny 134-word picture book for 3-8 year olds. This is a simultaneous submission and you can contact me at the email address below.
134 words - WOW! I am seriously impressed. That's way under the 600-800 word limit people are talking about nowadays.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Name, contact details, etc.
And that's the query! As I said, overall, I think Catherine has done a good job here. Just some tweaking, a bit of spicing up, and this query will have gone from good to GREAT.
But that's just my opinion, and I want to hear yours. After all, I'm only one person. Do you agree with my critique? Disagree? Have your own ideas about how Catherine can add some pizzazz to the meat of her query? Please feel free to share you thoughts in the comments. Just remember the rules: be honest, but be respectful.
Ishta, that's great news! I visit both you and Matt from time to time. Your critique is going to be gospel for me because I've never seen a PB query before.
ReplyDeleteMy two cents is this: the story is the most important thing. Keep the other bits simple and professional (as Ishta suggested). If I were an agent (I'm not), I'd skip to the story part (the good bit) and I'd be all over it.
It's funny, it features a recognizable animal, there's a problem and a solution. I think my kids would love it too...I can just picture my girls giggling at the sneezing alligator.
Definitely ALL CAPS, every time.
ReplyDeleteCompletely agree, don't mention previous submissions.
The thing about Literary Rambles (which I too LOVE, and Casey and Natalie are friends of mine) is that it sounds vague. You can mention the write up for almost any agent, but you might have just glanced at it. Try to find something SPECIFIC in the write up you can mention.
Agree about dropping the impressive.
I've never written a PB, so I don't know about giving away the ending, but Ishta's advice sounds spot on. Maybe the fish isn't new, but the method of catching it is?
Otherwise, good stuff!
This is an incredibly useful guide to anyone who is writing a story or trying to market one. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks so much! I normally do all caps everywhere, it's surprising what you miss. I also usually dive straight into the story. I think that's what you're all saying I ought to do here too. I'm so glad I haven't sent this far yet. Thank you so much Ishta for this fab opportunity and thanks to Matthew and Sarah too.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't mention the critique group.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've read that many agents/editors want the meat first. i.e. the query should start with the story not the reason for the agent.
One agent phrased it something like 'just like your story you need to start with a great hook'
I know other agents have different wants, but that's what I do for my queries.
I agree with Ishta's comments about emultating the style of the story when talking about it.
Don't feel qualified to leave comments, but very happy to learn from Ishta and you all. Bravo Catherine, for submitting your query. I love Big Al!
ReplyDeleteBravo Catherine! We are all rooting for Big Al. Lots to learn here, so thank you Ishta and Matthew for embarking on this query polishing quest!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your partnership with Matt! How awesome.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a great picture Catherine. Even though I'm from Literary Rambles and thank you for mentioning us, I agree with Matt & Ishta that it would be better to quote something from one of the interviews Casey links to. Also agree you should end with a hook. But I love the first sentence. Good luck!
Great job you guys - Ishta - this is fantastic. You know, I don't pitch often - but I have NEVER used all caps for my titles, I've always used italics. That being said, I've selected my recipients very carefully so I think that helps too - much more likely to get an audience if you know who you want for an audience...
ReplyDeleteI meant to add - you learn something new every day!!
ReplyDeleteThis was helpful. I didn't know a title needed to be capitalized nor did I ever think to mention that I take part in a critique group. I want to read this book!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much, you've been very helpful. I'm so lucky Ishta had this bright idea! Off to perfect my query and send it out again, many thanks!
ReplyDeleteCongrats Ishta on this great concept (I have not seen a specifically for PB's query critique on the net) Congrats too, to you Catherine, for being brave enough to submit and be the first vict..., I mean, "Author" :) Good luck with the manuscript and the revised query!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of your comments Ishta - great critique. This was a strong query to begin with, and with the changes, it will be even better. So Catherine - go on and SUBMIT! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is great!
ReplyDeleteWhen I first saw a PB query come across Matt's blog, I immediately thought, "How in the world do you do that without the picture part???" A hard thing, I imagine. Since I don't know anything about PB queries, I'm just along for the ride. Thanks, Ishta and Catherine.
ReplyDeleteThank you for starting this series. This is very helpful!
ReplyDeleteI am looking to learn everything I can about queries! Thank you so much for this post. It was very helpful!
ReplyDeleteThank you Catherine for submiting your and to Ishta for doing this. So, I'm confused. I thought you could tell the ending in a query and synopsis. I'm here to learn.
ReplyDeleteGreat question, Stacy.
DeleteThe giveaway of the ending is actually one of the big differences between a query and a synopsis. A query should give the reader just enough to make them want to read your enclosed sample pages - think of it as being like the flap copy on a book in the bookstore.
A synopsis, on the other hand, accompanies a query letter and the first 5-10 pages of a novel manuscript, and its job is to summarize the rest of your book to give the agent a better idea of whether they'll want to read beyond your first few pages. You DO need to tell the ending here - a synopsis should include all the main plotpoints in your story, and is usually 3-5 pages long (although I've heard of them being up to 30 pages, so this can vary depending on the length of the book and the number of subplots and the preferences of the agent or editor in terms of level of detail).
Fortunately for picture bookers, a synopsis is never necessary when querying; since picture books are so short, you just include the whole manuscript with your query. :-)
Great critique! I've never written a picture book, and hadn't thought about how hard it must be to summarise such a short story for a query.
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you through Matthew's blog!