Wednesday Writing: Picture Book Query from Denise MacLennan Bruce

Good morning, fellow writers, queriers, and bloggers amazing. Happy Wednesday! It's Query Critique time, so let's get to it.

This week's query comes from Denise MacLennan Bruce, who blogs at Denise of Ingleside. She's a very nice lady who is showing a lot of bravery to come forward with her query for public critique, so make sure you go and follow her, and make sure you're all as nice in the comments as you were last week.

Here's her query, with my redline to follow.

Dear Editor:

Rilla was so happy when her curly bangs were finally long, but when they start growing faster and faster, taking a life of their own, she finds a strength she never thought she had.

I am a member of SCBWI, and am in a number of critique groups including the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups.  I am currently enrolled in The Institute of Children’s Literature.

Geared toward the 4-10 year old market, RILLA’S BANGS is a humorous 490 word children's picture book.

Please note this is a multiple submission. I will notify you immediately should this manuscript be accepted elsewhere.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

Denise MacLennan Bruce

This is the perfect example of how long a picture book query should be, and it's a fairly strong query, with most of the elements already there. I also love the premise - a girl who is desperate for bangs, until they turn out to be more than she expected. As a Curly Girl who once had to contend with bangs, I can TOTALLY relate! (There is a reason I keep my hair long, guys. Those bangs were scary. *shudder*)

I do have a few thoughts, though:

Dear Editor: This is acceptable for an editor, but not for an agent, and if you can, try to get a specific editor's name. It goes a long way to show you've really done your research.

Rilla was so happy when her curly bangs were finally long, but when they start growing faster and faster, taking on a life of their own, she finds a strength she never thought she had. This whole opening is awesome, except for maybe the last section, which gets into vague territory. I'm not sure if her hair is strong, or if she grows emotionally to learn to cope with the hair, or if she becomes physically strong in order to be able to manipulate it, or what. This phrase also tends to get over-used, so I'd err on the side of a little more detail, without giving away too much of the ending. Having a bit more detail here will also help your book stand out among the many other "hair books" out there.

I am a member of SCBWI, and am in a number of critique groups including the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups.  I am currently enrolled in The Institute of Children’s Literature. This is good, although it's debatable whether the stuff about the Institute of Children's Literature needs to be there. I would cut it myself, but it could be something you either cut or leave depending on the preferences of the person you're sending this to. Also, make sure to include which SCBWI chapter your groups are part of. There are many SCBWI chapters with online crit groups.

Geared toward the 4-10 year old market, RILLA’S BANGS is a humorous 490-word children's picture book. I think this would flow better if you put this paragraph after your opening paragraph describing your manuscript, before the paragraph about you. More importantly, here is where you have an opportunity to show that you know your market by including an additional sentence or two listing two to three titles that this publisher has handled - or even better, that this particular editor has worked on - that are comparable to your manuscript in tone or style or both. The research is challenging, but worth doing. Another way to approach it is by listing two comparable titles from other houses, and one from this house.

Please note this is a multiple submission. I will notify you immediately should this manuscript be accepted elsewhere. I don't think the second line is necessary here.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

Denise MacLennan Bruce

And that's it! As I said, it's a strong query now, and after a bit of polishing and some market research, it's going to be nice and shiny. But let's get Denise some more opinions: do you agree with my feedback, or do you think that opening line is perfect? Do you have any other thoughts on how to make it better? Let it all hang out in the comments.