HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And a Query Critique for Linda!

It's Halloween, so what better than a query critique for a picture book about a guy who keeps trying to be like someone else?

Our query today comes from Linda, who has never done this before, so everyone be nice to her in the comments, okay? She's one brave lady.

Here's the query:

Dear [Agent]:

Purvis is a pig with a problem.  He is just too small and nobody will play with him; all he wants is to grow! One day, Purvis happens to meet a wise, old farm cat, who tells Purvis that "size does not matter" and he can be whoever he wants to be.  Purvis decides he wants to be just like the cat!  Purvis then meets other farm animals and Purvis wants to be just like each of them!  Then, finally, Purvis finds himself with a baby brother who thinks Purvis is just the greatest and he wants to be just like Purvis!  Perhaps Purvis is okay just how he is -- and to his surprise he finds that he has grown after all!

PURVIS--NOT SMALL AT ALL, at approximately 1400 words, is a read-aloud picture book in verse which should appeal to children aged 3 to 8 and is about the common childhood concerns of feeling different, unable to fit in; about trying to figure out who in the world to be.  I am writing to you because of your representation of author-illustrators, your experience working with stories in rhyme, and your taste for picture book stories with traditional, universal themes.  I hope that you will have an interest in my story.

  

You will find the entire text of the manuscript pasted below. I have also provided a link to my illustrations and a complete 32-page dummy.  There are samples of other projects I am working on in the same location.  I have created full illustrations for this manuscript and am attaching three samples hereto.  Although I hope you will consider my text and illustrations as a complete package, I do respect your option to select illustrations separately. 

This is a simultaneous submission.  Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

And here's my feedback in red:

Dear [Agent]:

Purvis is a pig with a problem.  He is just too small and nobody will play with him; all he wants is to grow! One day, Purvis happens to meet a wise, old farm cat, who tells Purvis that "size does not matter" and he can be whoever he wants to be.  Purvis decides he wants to be just like the cat!  Purvis then meets other farm animals and Purvis wants to be just like each of them!  Then, finally, Purvis finds himself with a baby brother who thinks Purvis is just the greatest and he wants to be just like Purvis!  Perhaps Purvis is okay just how he is -- and to his surprise he finds that he has grown after all!

I like the way you introduce Purvis and his problem here, but the rest of the paragraph is too long for a picture book query. This is a common mistake: people often use this paragraph to summarize the whole manuscript, while really the point is to give a taste of the story and entice the agent to read more. Think of what you would read on the back of the book in the store, and aim for that - just a couple of short sentences. Let the flavor of your book - the style of writing - seep into this portion of the query. And please don't tell us how it ends. ;-) Let the reader be surprised!

PURVIS--NOT SMALL AT ALL, at approximately 1400 words, Current trends are towards manuscripts that are 500 words or less - just a thing to be aware of. is a read-aloud redundant; all PBs are meant to be read aloud picture book in verse Good for you for stating this outright. which should appeal to children aged 3 to 8 and is about the common childhood concerns of feeling different, unable to fit in; about trying to figure out who in the world to be. You have a punctuation error in here. ALSO: you might want to add a line in here about how this book will fit into the marketplace - name three books whose fans will also like this book. If you can show that you know how to market your work, it will make it easier for an agent to sell. I am writing to you because of your representation of you represent author-illustrators, your  you have experience working with stories in rhyme, and your taste for you like/have a taste for/etc. picture book stories with traditional, universal themes. Great! I hope that you will have an interest in my story.

  

You will find the entire text of the manuscript pasted below. I have also provided a link to my illustrations and a complete 32-page dummy.  There are samples of other projects I am working on in the same location.  I have created full illustrations for this manuscript and am attaching three samples hereto.  Although I hope you will consider my text and illustrations as a complete package, I do respect your option to select illustrations separately. This whole paragraph is excellent.

This is a simultaneous submission.  Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Overall, I'm impressed with this query. Linda gets most of the main points in here, which is excellent for a first query. With some work on trimming and refining in the first paragraph, this should be an excellent query.

Have different feedback? Have ideas on how Linda can refine her first paragraph? Chip in in the comments!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Query Critique Wednesday - Denise's Queries!

Good Morning! Today we have TWO picture book queries from Denise. Wow!

For those of you who are new, here's how this thing works. I post queries from the brave souls who email them to m, along with my feedback on what's working and what isn't and how to make them shiny and bright. Then, you guys throw in your own two cents in the comments! The only rules are that you have to be honest, AND you have to be nice. No slamming or flaming, guys.

Let's get this party started!

Denise's first query is:

DearMr/Mrs_________,

Geared toward the 4-8 year old market, PHEWIE HUGHIE is a humorous 486 word children's picture book.

Hughie loves his toots and the louder the better and Hughie thought everyone should love his toots. Well, Hughie has a hard time finding someone to appreciate his wonderful ability until two children come to an important dinner and Hughie is told to remember his manners.  Mayham happens after Hughie realizes he just can’t hold it in.  What’s a boy to do? 

I am a member of SCBWI Canada East, and the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups. I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for taking the time to consider PHEWIE HUGHIE.  Please note, this is a multiple submission.

Sincerely,

There's a lot to like about this concept - fart-loving boys! - and the basic elements of the query are there, which is good, but I think the descriptive paragraph needs some clarification. Here it is with my feedback in red:

Dear Mr/Mrs________,

Geared toward the 4-8 year old market, PHEWIE HUGHIE LOVE THE TITLE! Is this a rhyming book? If it is, you should say so. is a humorous 486 word children's picture book.

This is kind of an abrupt start. If you're going to open with the housekeeping - which is totally fine, and which a lot of agents and editors prefer - I'd recommend prefacing it with a bit of personalised stuff: I saw you at x conference/read x interview/whatever and because you said y, I'm sending you my manuscript....

Hughie loves his toots and the louder the better and Hughie thought everyone should love his toots.  This is a run-on sentence. Since the last portion is implied, I think this query can do without it. Love the idea of a kid who loves his own farts! This is every little boy's dream. Well, Hughie has a hard time finding someone to appreciate his wonderful ability until two children come to an important dinner This  raises some questions - why important? Why important with KIDS present? - and feels a little awkward. Maybe try reframing the inciting incident to eliminate those gaps and focus on the really crucial element: Hughie now has an audience for his farts. and Hughie is told to remember his manners.  Mayham Typo: Mayhem. happens after Hughie realizes he just can’t hold it in.  What’s a boy to do? Instead of ending with a rhetorical question, which some people don't mind but a lot of people dislike, maybe hint at where this goes: do the kids love his farts? Hate them? Join in?

I'd also include some comparatives here: this book will appeal to fans of A book, B book, and C book. It's good to give the person you're querying an idea of where your book will fit into the marketplace, and it gives him or her more ammunition to use if your book goes to acquisition. Another good place for comparatives is at the end of the first paragraph.

I am a member of SCBWI Canada East Good to include this!, and the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups I am not aware of these groups. Do you mean the critique groups? In which case you should mention that they are critique groups, and mention the Canada East part, since different regions have their own groups. Or skip the critique group part - many have said they don't need to know about it. I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for taking the time to consider PHEWIE HUGHIE.  Please note, this is a multiple submission. Great closing.

Sincerely,

All together, not a bad query. With some reworking in the middle there, I think Denise will be ready to go.

And here's her second query:

Dear Mr/Mrs________,

Geared toward the 6-12 year old market, MALLIGA’S RAINBOW is a touching 927 word children's picture storybook.

Malliga and her Amma (mother) shared many memories, but the most memorable to Malliga was when they would play who could find the rainbow after a rain. After losing her Amma, Malliga has trouble facing the ache in her heart.  Her Appa (father) helps her and together they find a way to help Malliga one stitch at a time.

I am a member of SCBWI Canada East, and the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Thank you for taking the time to consider MALLIGA’S RAINBOW.  Please note, this is an exclusive submission.

Sincerely,

This, in my opinion, a pretty strong query already. I have some comments, but very few. Here's my feedback in red:

Dear Mr/Mrs________,

Geared toward the 6-12 year old market, MALLIGA’S RAINBOW You excel at titles. is a touching 927 word children's picture storybook. You've put yourself in the danger zone here. "Picture storybook" is a phrase usually equated with books like Beatrix Potter's TALES OF PETER RABBIT or A.A. Milne's WINNIE THE POOH, and while those books sell steadily, I have heard it said by editors and agents that that's more because people want to share their childhood memories with their kids than because the current market demands more stories like those. Books for young kids are now either picture books or chapter books. Your word count puts it into the picture book category - chapter books are typically 5,000-10,000 words - but your age range says chapter book or novel. I suspect that this is actually better aimed at the 4-6-ish market. (Don't be afraid to write books about death and loss for little kids; they need them as much as older kids do.)

Also: I have the same comment about the opening paragraph as in the last query.

Malliga and her Amma (mother) shared many memories, but the most memorable to Malliga Memorable is repetitive - maybe "Malliga's favorite"? was when they would play who could find the rainbow after a rain. After losing her Amma, Malliga has trouble facing the ache in her heart.  Her Appa (father) helps her and together they find a way to help Malliga one stitch at a time. I love this last part. This is a great paragraph! Super job. It's clear that Malliga has a cultural background, so I would say what that background is somehow, so it will be easier to imagine how to market this book.

I am a member of SCBWI Canada East, and the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups. I look forward to hearing from you. Same comment as in the other query.

Thank you for taking the time to consider MALLIGA’S RAINBOW.  Please note, this is an exclusive submission. You don't really need to say that it's an exclusive submission; in fact, they usually assume that a submission is exclusive unless you say that it is simultaneous. However, you may wish to put a time limit on the exclusivity: "While this is an exclusive submission, I will send it to other agents/editors if I haven't heard from you in x months." I've read that something in the neighborhood of 3-6 months is typical.

Sincerely,

Despite the sea of red - sorry, Denise! - this is actually, in my opinion, a really good query. The most important section - the descriptive paragraph - is really solid. There were just a couple things that took a lot of explaining at the beginning and end!

Do you have your own comments? Ideas? Thoughts? Share them in the comments! Let's help Denise out!

And be sure to come back on FRIDAY for a giveaway!

Picture Book Query Critique! Heather Cyr's Query

Hi, gang! It's back to business, it's spring, and I am raring to go.

Welcome back for another picture book query critique! The deal here is that if you want to have your query letter for your picture book looked at, you can email it to me (link over there in the right-hand sidebar) and I'll post it on my blog with my feedback, and invite other blog readers to give their feedback as well. Most people are pretty fazed by the prospect of having to write a query letter, but I kind of like them. (Weird, I know.) And I wanted to give back, so here we are.


This week's query comes from Heather Cyr, who has done a fantastic job to start with. I don't have much to say, but my feedback in red will follow her query. Check it out:

Dear Ms. Editor:

Logan is the youngest in a long line of Maine lobstermen; however, he’s a lousy lobsterman. His traps are always empty or filled with odd things. That is, until he makes the biggest catch of the season, finding more than he could ever anticipate. At last, he is able to explore his true talent: transforming trash into art. Like Patricia Polacco’s The Junkyard Wonders, LOGAN THE LOUSY LOBSTERMAN is a children’s picture book that celebrates a young child’s passion and potential.

Born and raised in Maine, I spent summers in Ogunquit where I heard Logan’s initial story. In addition to hauling in stories from my past, I’m an active member of SCBWI, a frequent student in workshops on writing children’s picture books, and a participant in two picture book critique groups.

Logan finds his way and learns to follow his heart. Similarly, I hope that by sharing my manuscript with your “Maine Made” publication house, it finds a perfect fit. Per your submission guidelines, I have enclosed my 840-word manuscript as well as a brief bio. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, 

See what I mean? This query is already pretty solid. I do have a few comments, though, so here's my redline within the body of the query:

Dear Ms. Editor:

Logan is the youngest in a long line of Maine lobstermen; however, he’s a lousy lobsterman. Great hook! Poor guy - I feel for him. His traps are always empty or filled with odd things. That is, until he makes the biggest catch of the season, finding more than he could ever anticipate. At last, he is able to explore his true talent: transforming trash into art. Like Patricia Polacco’s The Junkyard Wonders, LOGAN THE LOUSY LOBSTERMAN is a children’s picture book that celebrates a young child’s passion and potential.

The section I put in bold has some vague references in it: "the biggest catch" and "more than he could ever anticipate" don't really tell us anything about what he actually finds. Additionally, I'm wondering why he didn't try making art out of all the trash before, since he's always been catching trash. What's different about this catch that inspires him? At the same time, I can understand not wanting to give too much away here, since there should still be an element of surprise when the editor actually reads your pages.

I'd recommend changing it to something more along the lines of, "Until he finally catches something so big that it inspires him to explore his true talent." That's not great, but you get what I mean - something shorter that will still deliver the essence without the vagueness.

Also: Patricia Polacco is a pretty big name, and while I don't object to comparing your book to hers if it really is similar, it's a good idea to include an additional book by a lesser-known author. An editor might worry that you have unrealistic expectations for your book if your only comparison is to a big-name author.

Born and raised in Maine, I spent summers in Ogunquit where I heard Logan’s initial story. Is this based on a real-life story? Is it a modern-day fable that is local to Maine? You should include this information somewhere in your query, preferably the first time you mention the title. In addition to hauling in stories Nice reference to the subject matter here - you have a good sense of wordplay throughout this query. from my past, I’m an active member of SCBWI, a frequent student in workshops on writing children’s picture books, and a participant in two picture book critique groups.

Logan finds his way and learns to follow his heart. I'm not sure about this part - it doesn't quite seem to work with your next sentence. What about, "Logan follows his heart and finds a perfect fit in the art world." or something? Similarly, I hope that by sharing my manuscript with your “Maine Made” publication house, it finds a perfect fit. Per your submission guidelines, I have enclosed my 840-word manuscript as well as a brief bio. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, 

That's it for my feedback - overall, as I said, this was a really solid query. It didn't quite follow my formula, but it still covers all the bases, which I like. With a little polishing, this query will really stand out.

Agree? Disagree? Tell Heather what you think in the comments. And join me in wishing her the very best of luck!

Q is for Query

Query letters and cover letters: those pesky one-page letters meant to summarize pages and pages of text in a way that is exciting, interesting, and enticing. These are the things that many writers dread the most.

Fortunately, there are a few of us who kind of like them.

I do query critiques here on the blog every Wednesday so if you have a picture book that's ready to go out, feel free to email me your query letter for a critique here on the blog. And in the meantime, I'm critiquing Rena Traxel's cover letter for her poetry submission over on her blog HERE.

If you're just getting started in the querying game, you might find this template helpful.

Happy Querying!

P is for Perfection Paralysis

It's Query Day here on the blog again, so I wanted to talk briefly about the agony of querying.

You know what I mean. The revising, and revising again, and batch querying, and then revising even more. It gets to where you're so anxious that your query isn't perfect enough that you can't bring yourself to send it out at all.

You have... Perfection Paralysis. *Dun Dun DUUUUUUNNNNN*

But here's the thing: even though you want to make your query as good as you can, an amazing query can only get you so far. If your pages are mediocre, then even an A+ query isn't going to get you published. And if the query is more of a B/B+, but is good enough to do its job and get the agent to read your pages, then amazing pages will definitely get you on the road to publication.

Pages: another "P" word. The one that really counts.

So get over that Perfection Paralysis. Get your query looked at by another writer, revise it once or maybe twice, and then send the darn thing with your amazing pages attached. When it comes to the query, there is such a thing as good enough.

Do you ever fall victim to Perfection Paralysis?

J is for Jargon

jargon: a barbarous, rude, or debased variety of speech; lingo

Despite the Oxford English Dictionary's insistence that jargon is barbarous, a lot of writing uses it - particularly novels for teens. In fact, a number of acclaimed novels for teens have used it: M.T. Anderson's FEED and Paolo Bacigalupi's SHIP BREAKER are just two examples. You might have used jargon in your novel. Quite often, the jargon is invented, as a part of the new world that the novel is set in.

HOWEVER, this is something you want to keep out of your query letter. Jargon is specific to a generation, a geographical area, sometimes even a gender. The jargon in your book is probably specific to your book. Taken out of the context of your novel, it could be confusing and need too much explaining, and you don't have time for wasted words in a query letter.

So, even though you want the voice in your query letter to match the voice in your manuscript, try to do it without using jargon.

Do you use jargon in your novel?

D is for "Dear Editor"...

...which is something you should NEVER use to open a query.

Equally, you should never use "Dear Agent." These openings make the recipient of your query feel like they've been the recipient of a mass-email, and nobody likes that feeling. (I appreciate the irony of an editor telling us to query widely, and then saying that they don't want to feel like they're just one of a bunch of people receiving your query, but still. It's just not nice to be MADE to feel that way, even if it's a little bit true.)

You should also not open with anything like "Dear Agent Awesome," or "Dear One Who Holds My Dreams in Her Hands," or "O Worthy One," or anything like that. Some people think it makes you look witty, but it doesn't. It makes you look like a fruitcake, and we all know what happens to fruitcake: it ends up in sitting in a tupperware for 12 months until it finally sprouts a mould spore and you have an excuse to throw it in the trash. You don't want that to be your manuscript mouldering in some editor's trash.

Also, the fact is that most of the people who get your query are going to have to pass on it, for perfectly good reasons, which is fine - you only need one person to say "yes" - and saying "no" to someone is HARD. It sucks more than my mother's Dyson. Nobody likes turning people down. So don't make it harder for them by actually stating in your opening how high your hopes are that they will like your work.

Keep it professional. Use his or her last name. And that's it for queries for today!

For more #AtoZchallenge posts, check out the list here.

Picture Book Query from Wendy Whittingham

Hi there, a little later than usual due to completely unforseen computer problems on my end holyslowharddrivewhatdidieverdotodeservethisireallyneedaMACtocallmyown.


*Ahem.*


Happy Wednesday!


And happy Query Critique Day! This week's query comes from the lovely Wendy Whittingham, who illustrates as well as writes. Wow, I wish I could to that. For those of you who are new, the deal is that I post her query, then follow that up with my notes in red, and you wonderful people all chip in in the comments section. So let's get to it! Here's her query:

Dear Ms. Editor:

We met at the conference in Niagara Falls in May 2011 and at that time you said you would be open to reviewing submissions from the conference attendees.

I recently completed a picture book currently titled HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER.  The story is a 693 word story based on a lonely mouse who offers shelter to various animal visitors, including a cat, fox and cobra during a rainstorm. 

Udhay Mouse believes he is content, but secretly wishes he had a friend who shares  his interests. Alone, Udhay waits out a storm by dancing around his wheelbarrow house with a broom. His life turns a corner when unexpected visitors start arriving. A cat shows up, then a fox, followed by a cobra. Udhay attempts to teach the visitors to dance as a distraction to spare his life. He realizes he must rid his home of them or he will be eaten. As soon as Udhay is safe once more, another, even more ominous visitor arrives. This time, will there be a happy outcome for Udhay?

A picture book with a fable-like theme, HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER , is a quirky fun story that will send your imagination soaring. 

Set in a fantasy world, animals get along in the spirit of Jan Brett’s The Mitten. The story is meant to entertain, but it also teaches that appearances can be deceiving.

In the fall of 2011, I illustrated a picture book, MISS WONDERGEM’S DREADFULLY DREADFUL PIE (Creative Publishing) and have had rave reviews.

 I look forward to hearing from you and can be found at the contact information listed below my signature.

Thank you so much for your time.

Regards,

I think Wendy does a really great job here with covering the bases: she's got info about the book, a comparable title (The Mitten), and her own previous publishing credits. However, it's on the long side, and it's more synopsis-y than a query should be. So here it is again, with my thoughts in red.

Dear Ms. Editor:

We met at the conference in Niagara Falls in May 2011 and at that time you said you would be open to reviewing submissions from the conference attendees. This is good.

I recently completed a My picture book currently titled HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER.  The story is a 693 word story based on about a lonely mouse who offers shelter to various animal visitors, including a cat, fox and cobra during a rainstorm. There are two things going on here and in the next paragraph: first, this paragraph is a little longer than it needs to be - it's not a matter of changing what you say as much as finding a more concise way to say it, and I hope my editing gives you an idea of what I'm talking about; second, it's a little dry, and I suspect that the voice here is quite different from that in your manuscript. Additionally, you actually tell too much, in my opinion. What you're going for is enticing jacket copy, but what you have is a point-by-point retelling of what happens in the story.

I'd cut the next paragraph completely, and find a way to incorporate the key details - "Udhay Mouse is happy on his own until a bunch of unexpected and dangerous animals show up looking for lunch," maybe - in a tone that matches your manuscript. My phrasing is obviously not great, because it doesn't hint at the voice in your work, but I'm hoping it gives you a sense of just how brief picture book queries need to be. 

Udhay Mouse believes he is content, but secretly wishes he had a friend who shares  his interests. Alone, Udhay waits out a storm by dancing around his wheelbarrow house with a broom. His life turns a corner when unexpected visitors start arriving. A cat shows up, then a fox, followed by a cobra. Udhay attempts to teach the visitors to dance as a distraction to spare his life. He realizes he must rid his home of them or he will be eaten. As soon as Udhay is safe once more, another, even more ominous visitor arrives. This time, will there be a happy outcome for Udhay?

There's a confusing contradiction here: Udhay is content, but has a secret wish for more friends? Is the wish a secret from himself? Does he only discover after the animals arrive that he wanted friends? I think most of this paragraph is unnecessary since it doesn't get at the core of your story, but this set-up is central, so it's important to have it clear in your mind and on the page. Also: try to avoid rhetorical questions. Most editors say that they don't like them.

A picture book with a fable-like theme, HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER , cut the comma is a quirky fun story that will send your imagination soaring. 

Set in a fantasy world, animals get along in the spirit of Jan Brett’s The Mitten. The story is meant to entertain, but it also teaches that appearances can be deceiving. Great comparison to The Mitten, but cut the last sentence. It makes your manuscript sound didactic, even if it isn't so.

In the fall of 2011, I illustrated a picture book, MISS WONDERGEM’S DREADFULLY DREADFUL PIE (Creative Publishing) and have had rave reviews. Yay for the rave reviews! But, I'd cut it, UNLESS the reviews were in a well-respected review journal like the Quill and Quire or Kirkus. In all other cases, the only thing that matters to this editor is her own opinion of your work in that book, and her opinion of this manuscript.

 I look forward to hearing from you and can be found at the contact information listed below my signature. If you are submitting this manuscript to anyone else, you should say so here. Otherwise, this is fine.

Thank you so much for your time.

Regards,

And that's a wrap. Now, it's your turn: what did you think of my feedback? It's fine to disagree; maybe you have a better idea of the central elements of Wendy's story? Share your thoughts in the comments. Let's help Wendy get this query from good to great!

Picture Book Queries: Referencing the Competition

I didn't have a query for today, so I thought I'd talk a little bit about one part of queries that often gets ignored or left out or bungled somehow: referencing the competition.

Let's be upfront about this: apart from writing your manuscript, this is the part that takes the longest to get right. At least, that's the way it is for me. You have to read a lot. You have to research the lists of the agents and editors you're querying. (In fact, I change this part of my query for each person I send it to: I try to include a book that the editor I'm querying has worked on. You don't have to do that, but I think it's worth it.) But most importantly, you have to pitch it just right.

Here's what I mean by that: you don't want to reference books that are identical to yours, because then their answer will be, "I already have a book like this." Equally, you don't want to reference books that are too different, because then you'll look like you don't know the market. You want to find books that are similar in tone - maybe they all have plucky protagonists, or maybe they've all got kind of a funky perspective (think LITTLE PEA, SPORK, etc.), or maybe they're all moody, or something.

Another thing to stay away from is referencing only blockbuster successes. If you compare your manuscript to three extremely well-known books, you risk looking like an egomaniac with unrealistic expectations. We all want our book to be the next FANCY NANCY or OLIVIA, but obviously not every book is going to be that successful, and it's important to show in your query that you understand that. Plus, when you can reference lesser-known titles, it shows that you really know the genre.

I usually pick three books: one very well-known, one mid-list, and one not-so-well-known. If you can't find books from all three areas, go for well-known and mid-list books, otherwise you risk the recipient of your query going, "HUH?" and you don't want that.

This is a part of querying that takes a lot of time, and there are a few ways to go about doing it, but I find that it pays off.

How about you? Do you personalize by referencing books from the editor's list, or do you keep it the same for each query? Any other referencing tips you care to share?

Query from Lisa Cook

It's Wednesday, which means it's Query Critique day here at the blog. Woo-hoo! For those of you who are new, the deal here is that if you have a picture book you want to query, you can email me your query letter, and I'll post it here on the next available Wednesday with my thoughts in red, and invite others to share their thoughts in the comments. If you want to write a query letter for your picture book but aren't sure where to begin, here's a template to get you started. And if you have a query but it's not for a picture book, send it to me anyway and I'll forward it to my friend Matt, who handles queries for novels over at the QQQE.


This week's query comes from Lisa Cook, who tells me that she is very nervous, so be super nice to her, okay? Okay.


Edited to add: Lisa blogs! Go follow her! HERE and HERE.


Here's her query, with my thoughts afterwards in red.

Dear Ms. Jones:

In the summer of 1791 baseballs and broken windows were a big problem for the town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts. This historical fiction picture book, “Baseballs and Broken Windows”, (965 words), tells the tale of a group of boys who are determined not to let anything keep them from their favorite pastime, not even a pesky law. While the boys and their story are fictitious, the scenario leading up to the creation of the Broken Window By-Law was likely very similar. This law is the earliest known reference to baseball being played in the United States, and a unique bit of American history.  I think you’ll find that this story is able to draw in young baseball enthusiasts, captivate their imagination, and teach them something new.  

 “Hey Batta Batta Swing! The Wild Old Days of Baseball” by Sally Cook and James Charlton offers an interesting look at the history of baseball. However, my story sites a specific event from baseball’s earliest days; one that most people have never heard of.

I am a member of the New England chapter of SCBWI, and have been published in Stories for Children Magazine, and Imagination Café.

A copy of the complete bibliography is available on request. This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is actually a very good query. And it's the first query I've seen for an historical fiction, so while on one hand I'm pretty excited to read something new to me, on the other hand, this is new to me, and you should take my feedback with a larger-than-usual chunk of salt.

Dear Ms. Jones: I'm assuming "Ms. Jones" is a proxy for the agent or editor's name; in any case, "Dear Ms. Such-and-such" is far preferable to "Dear Editor," so well done.

In the summer of 1791 baseballs and broken windows were a big problem for the town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts. This historical fiction picture book, “Baseballs and Broken Windows”, The title of your manuscript should be in ALL CAPS LIKE THIS, without any quotation marks. It's the industry standard. (965 words), tells the tale of a group of boys who are determined not to let anything keep them from their favorite pastime, not even a pesky law. While the boys and their story are fictitious, the scenario leading up to the creation of the Broken Window By-Law was likely very similar. This law is the earliest known reference to baseball being played in the United States, and a unique bit of American history.  I think you’ll find that this story is able to draw in young baseball enthusiasts, captivate their imagination, and teach them something new.


DUDE! I totally want to read this! I grew up in Cincinnati, which is the birthplace of professional baseball, so this is right up my alley. I love me some baseball history.


This first paragraph is a bit lengthy, and you repeat some information by telling us that your MS is historical fiction, and then later by telling us that the story of the boys in your book is fictitious. Additionally, mentioning the pesky law before telling us that the Broken Windows By-Law exists is a little confusing. I'd tell us about the by-law right after the first sentence, and then tell us about your book, closing with the part about drawing in young baseball enthusiasts. The part about the law being the earliest known reference to baseball being played in the US could go, I think, but we'll see what others have to say about that. It's certainly interesting information, but not necessarily pertinent to your story. If you keep it, I'd put it in the next paragraph.

 “Hey Batta Batta Swing! The Wild Old Days of Baseball” This title should also be in ALL CAPS without quotation marks. by Sally Cook and James Charlton offers an interesting look at the history of baseball. However, my story sites You've got a typo here: you're looking for "cites." a specific event from baseball’s earliest days; one that most people have never heard of. This feels kind of stuck in; I'd try to reword it to include the section from the last paragraph. Or, you could cut it; the first section certainly makes me want to read your pages.

I am a member of the New England chapter of SCBWI, and have been published in Stories for Children Magazine, and Imagination Café. It's not clear, but I cut that comma after "magazine."

A copy of the complete bibliography is available on request. I've never seen anything about a bibliography in a query before - since this is fiction, and not non-fiction, I'd cut it. Besides, you've enclosed your manuscript, which is what they really need to see. This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And that's the query! I think we should all congratulate Lisa on a fantastic job - this query was pretty polished when it came in, and I really didn't have much to say about it. 


And now let's hear some of your opinions in the comments! Agree with my feedback? Disagree? Share your thoughts with Lisa.

Picture Book Query from Rena Traxel

Hey there, fellow picture book lovers! It's Wednesday, which means it's Query Critique Time. Dun, dun, DUUUUUNNNNN.

Just Kidding. I'll be nice, I swear. As should you be in the comments! Polite honesty is the order of the day.

This week's query comes from Rena Traxel, who has a great blog that you should all follow, so go and do that now.

And here's her query, with contact details redacted for the sake of privacy. My redline is next:

Rena J. Traxel

Address

Date:

Dear (publisher):

Little girls love their kitty cats. The little girl in my WHERE IS MY KITTY AT? is daydreaming about her kitty cat’s day —waiting for her owner, stalking in the yard, batting with her paws —while she is away at school. In the end the little girl realizes where her kitty cat truly is. 

WHERE IS MY KITTY AT? is a three hundred and fifty word early picture book. It is a child-centered story that is likely to engage the child as a judge from Rate My Story pointed out “I like the pattern you’ve set up. Kids will enjoy it and probably even chime in with the familiar parts of the lines.”

I have a diploma in Professional Writing from Grant MacEwan University. I am a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators and the Writers Guild of Alberta. If you would like to learn more about me please go to my website at www.renajtraxel.com. This is a multiple submission.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I can be contacted by emailing REDACTED or by calling xxx-xxx-xxx. I look forward to hearing from you. I have enclosed an SASE for your reply.

Sincerely,

I think this is a fairly solid query - Rena doesn't over-explain or over-describe her plot, which is really important in a PB query. And the book sounds very sweet, which is bang on for an early picture book! Still, I did have a few comments, so let's get to it:

Rena J. Traxel

Address

This is a great time to get into the format of a query letter, which will differ depending on whether you are querying via email (which a lot of agents prefer nowadays) or the old-fashioned, much-slower way (which so many editors are still stuck on).

Nathan Bransford has an excellent post on this topic, but the rundown is that in an emailed query, you open with "Dear Mr/Mrs Agentname" and include your contact details (address, phone number, blog/website) in your signature at the end. In a snail-mailed query, you format it like a business letter, with your name and address and phone number in the top right-hand corner, followed by the name and address of the recipient flush with the left-hand margin, followed by the date and then "Dear Mr/Mrs Editorname". The only thing at the end is your signature.

So, here, I'd move your name and address to the appropriate place.

Date:

Dear (publisher):

Little girls love their kitty cats. The little girl in my WHERE IS MY KITTY AT? is daydreaming about her kitty cat’s day —waiting for her owner, stalking in the yard, batting with her paws —while she is away at school. In the end the little girl realizes where her kitty cat truly is. You jump in right away with a reason that people will be drawn to your book, which is a super opening. Your summary of the book is good, but I think the last sentence could use a bit more punch. Is the cat somewhere surprising, like hiding in her backpack? If it is, then maybe you could tell us that the girl is surprised when she learns where her kitty truly is. Is it in the same place it always is? Maybe the girl is reassured when she figures this out. Give us a little more to make us want to get to the ending.

WHERE IS MY KITTY AT? is a three hundred and fifty word early picture book. Your word count is bang on, but I have some concerns about it being an early picture book. You've already told us that the MC goes to school, which is after the early picture book age (2-4 yrs). It might be a good idea to rethink your target age, or rethink the setting of your story to make it more relatable to children who would be reading this book. It is a child-centered story that is likely to engage the child as a judge from Rate My Story pointed out “I like the pattern you’ve set up. Kids will enjoy it and probably even chime in with the familiar parts of the lines.” It's great that you point out that this is a child-centered story, but I'd cut the rest of that sentence and replace it with 2 or 3 comparable titles whose fans will also like your book. It pays to be specific here. As far as the endorsement from the judge from Rate My Story goes, as great as it is to get feedback like that, (and it's AWESOME! Yay you!)  it's best kept to yourself. The editor will want to decide for him or herself what the strong points of your manuscript are, AND endorsements from unknown individuals are never as strong as those from people whom the editor knows and has respect for (well-known authors like Jane Yolen or other editors from that publishing house, for example). Stick to the facts - word count, target audience - and let the MS speak for itself.

I have a diploma in Professional Writing from Grant MacEwan University. I am a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators and the Writers Guild of Alberta. This paragraph is perfect so far. Good credentials. If you would like to learn more about me please go to my website at www.renajtraxel.com. I'd cut this and simply include your web URL with your mailing address and telephone number. This is a multiple submission.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I can be contacted by emailing REDACTED or by calling xxx-xxx-xxx. More contact stuff that can go with your address and blog URL. I look forward to hearing from you. I have enclosed an SASE for your reply. PERFECT - so many people forget to mention the enclosed SASE, myself included sometimes, and it's much more professional to do so.

Sincerely,

And that's it for my thoughts. I know it looks like a lot of red, but that's just because I'm wordy and Rena did a great job of writing a very succinct query. I really just had three main points: check your formatting, make sure your target audience is the right target audience, and include some comparable titles to give the editor an idea of where your book will fit into the marketplace.

Rena has a very sweet-sounding story with some solid writing credentials, and I wish her all the best with her querying adventure!

If you want to have your query featured here on the blog, or if you're ready to start querying but don't know where to begin, then you might find my Picture Book Query Template helpful.

And now it's your turn. Maybe I missed something, or maybe your opinion of Rena's query differs from mine. Share your thoughts in the comments so Rena can make this query shine!

Wednesday Writing: Picture Book Query from Denise MacLennan Bruce

Good morning, fellow writers, queriers, and bloggers amazing. Happy Wednesday! It's Query Critique time, so let's get to it.

This week's query comes from Denise MacLennan Bruce, who blogs at Denise of Ingleside. She's a very nice lady who is showing a lot of bravery to come forward with her query for public critique, so make sure you go and follow her, and make sure you're all as nice in the comments as you were last week.

Here's her query, with my redline to follow.

Dear Editor:

Rilla was so happy when her curly bangs were finally long, but when they start growing faster and faster, taking a life of their own, she finds a strength she never thought she had.

I am a member of SCBWI, and am in a number of critique groups including the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups.  I am currently enrolled in The Institute of Children’s Literature.

Geared toward the 4-10 year old market, RILLA’S BANGS is a humorous 490 word children's picture book.

Please note this is a multiple submission. I will notify you immediately should this manuscript be accepted elsewhere.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

Denise MacLennan Bruce

This is the perfect example of how long a picture book query should be, and it's a fairly strong query, with most of the elements already there. I also love the premise - a girl who is desperate for bangs, until they turn out to be more than she expected. As a Curly Girl who once had to contend with bangs, I can TOTALLY relate! (There is a reason I keep my hair long, guys. Those bangs were scary. *shudder*)

I do have a few thoughts, though:

Dear Editor: This is acceptable for an editor, but not for an agent, and if you can, try to get a specific editor's name. It goes a long way to show you've really done your research.

Rilla was so happy when her curly bangs were finally long, but when they start growing faster and faster, taking on a life of their own, she finds a strength she never thought she had. This whole opening is awesome, except for maybe the last section, which gets into vague territory. I'm not sure if her hair is strong, or if she grows emotionally to learn to cope with the hair, or if she becomes physically strong in order to be able to manipulate it, or what. This phrase also tends to get over-used, so I'd err on the side of a little more detail, without giving away too much of the ending. Having a bit more detail here will also help your book stand out among the many other "hair books" out there.

I am a member of SCBWI, and am in a number of critique groups including the SCBWI picture book and middle grade groups.  I am currently enrolled in The Institute of Children’s Literature. This is good, although it's debatable whether the stuff about the Institute of Children's Literature needs to be there. I would cut it myself, but it could be something you either cut or leave depending on the preferences of the person you're sending this to. Also, make sure to include which SCBWI chapter your groups are part of. There are many SCBWI chapters with online crit groups.

Geared toward the 4-10 year old market, RILLA’S BANGS is a humorous 490-word children's picture book. I think this would flow better if you put this paragraph after your opening paragraph describing your manuscript, before the paragraph about you. More importantly, here is where you have an opportunity to show that you know your market by including an additional sentence or two listing two to three titles that this publisher has handled - or even better, that this particular editor has worked on - that are comparable to your manuscript in tone or style or both. The research is challenging, but worth doing. Another way to approach it is by listing two comparable titles from other houses, and one from this house.

Please note this is a multiple submission. I will notify you immediately should this manuscript be accepted elsewhere. I don't think the second line is necessary here.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

Denise MacLennan Bruce

And that's it! As I said, it's a strong query now, and after a bit of polishing and some market research, it's going to be nice and shiny. But let's get Denise some more opinions: do you agree with my feedback, or do you think that opening line is perfect? Do you have any other thoughts on how to make it better? Let it all hang out in the comments.