Picture Book Query from Wendy Whittingham

Hi there, a little later than usual due to completely unforseen computer problems on my end holyslowharddrivewhatdidieverdotodeservethisireallyneedaMACtocallmyown.


*Ahem.*


Happy Wednesday!


And happy Query Critique Day! This week's query comes from the lovely Wendy Whittingham, who illustrates as well as writes. Wow, I wish I could to that. For those of you who are new, the deal is that I post her query, then follow that up with my notes in red, and you wonderful people all chip in in the comments section. So let's get to it! Here's her query:

Dear Ms. Editor:

We met at the conference in Niagara Falls in May 2011 and at that time you said you would be open to reviewing submissions from the conference attendees.

I recently completed a picture book currently titled HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER.  The story is a 693 word story based on a lonely mouse who offers shelter to various animal visitors, including a cat, fox and cobra during a rainstorm. 

Udhay Mouse believes he is content, but secretly wishes he had a friend who shares  his interests. Alone, Udhay waits out a storm by dancing around his wheelbarrow house with a broom. His life turns a corner when unexpected visitors start arriving. A cat shows up, then a fox, followed by a cobra. Udhay attempts to teach the visitors to dance as a distraction to spare his life. He realizes he must rid his home of them or he will be eaten. As soon as Udhay is safe once more, another, even more ominous visitor arrives. This time, will there be a happy outcome for Udhay?

A picture book with a fable-like theme, HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER , is a quirky fun story that will send your imagination soaring. 

Set in a fantasy world, animals get along in the spirit of Jan Brett’s The Mitten. The story is meant to entertain, but it also teaches that appearances can be deceiving.

In the fall of 2011, I illustrated a picture book, MISS WONDERGEM’S DREADFULLY DREADFUL PIE (Creative Publishing) and have had rave reviews.

 I look forward to hearing from you and can be found at the contact information listed below my signature.

Thank you so much for your time.

Regards,

I think Wendy does a really great job here with covering the bases: she's got info about the book, a comparable title (The Mitten), and her own previous publishing credits. However, it's on the long side, and it's more synopsis-y than a query should be. So here it is again, with my thoughts in red.

Dear Ms. Editor:

We met at the conference in Niagara Falls in May 2011 and at that time you said you would be open to reviewing submissions from the conference attendees. This is good.

I recently completed a My picture book currently titled HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER.  The story is a 693 word story based on about a lonely mouse who offers shelter to various animal visitors, including a cat, fox and cobra during a rainstorm. There are two things going on here and in the next paragraph: first, this paragraph is a little longer than it needs to be - it's not a matter of changing what you say as much as finding a more concise way to say it, and I hope my editing gives you an idea of what I'm talking about; second, it's a little dry, and I suspect that the voice here is quite different from that in your manuscript. Additionally, you actually tell too much, in my opinion. What you're going for is enticing jacket copy, but what you have is a point-by-point retelling of what happens in the story.

I'd cut the next paragraph completely, and find a way to incorporate the key details - "Udhay Mouse is happy on his own until a bunch of unexpected and dangerous animals show up looking for lunch," maybe - in a tone that matches your manuscript. My phrasing is obviously not great, because it doesn't hint at the voice in your work, but I'm hoping it gives you a sense of just how brief picture book queries need to be. 

Udhay Mouse believes he is content, but secretly wishes he had a friend who shares  his interests. Alone, Udhay waits out a storm by dancing around his wheelbarrow house with a broom. His life turns a corner when unexpected visitors start arriving. A cat shows up, then a fox, followed by a cobra. Udhay attempts to teach the visitors to dance as a distraction to spare his life. He realizes he must rid his home of them or he will be eaten. As soon as Udhay is safe once more, another, even more ominous visitor arrives. This time, will there be a happy outcome for Udhay?

There's a confusing contradiction here: Udhay is content, but has a secret wish for more friends? Is the wish a secret from himself? Does he only discover after the animals arrive that he wanted friends? I think most of this paragraph is unnecessary since it doesn't get at the core of your story, but this set-up is central, so it's important to have it clear in your mind and on the page. Also: try to avoid rhetorical questions. Most editors say that they don't like them.

A picture book with a fable-like theme, HOW UDHAY THE MOUSE CAME TO KEEP A TIGER , cut the comma is a quirky fun story that will send your imagination soaring. 

Set in a fantasy world, animals get along in the spirit of Jan Brett’s The Mitten. The story is meant to entertain, but it also teaches that appearances can be deceiving. Great comparison to The Mitten, but cut the last sentence. It makes your manuscript sound didactic, even if it isn't so.

In the fall of 2011, I illustrated a picture book, MISS WONDERGEM’S DREADFULLY DREADFUL PIE (Creative Publishing) and have had rave reviews. Yay for the rave reviews! But, I'd cut it, UNLESS the reviews were in a well-respected review journal like the Quill and Quire or Kirkus. In all other cases, the only thing that matters to this editor is her own opinion of your work in that book, and her opinion of this manuscript.

 I look forward to hearing from you and can be found at the contact information listed below my signature. If you are submitting this manuscript to anyone else, you should say so here. Otherwise, this is fine.

Thank you so much for your time.

Regards,

And that's a wrap. Now, it's your turn: what did you think of my feedback? It's fine to disagree; maybe you have a better idea of the central elements of Wendy's story? Share your thoughts in the comments. Let's help Wendy get this query from good to great!