Query from Lisa Cook

It's Wednesday, which means it's Query Critique day here at the blog. Woo-hoo! For those of you who are new, the deal here is that if you have a picture book you want to query, you can email me your query letter, and I'll post it here on the next available Wednesday with my thoughts in red, and invite others to share their thoughts in the comments. If you want to write a query letter for your picture book but aren't sure where to begin, here's a template to get you started. And if you have a query but it's not for a picture book, send it to me anyway and I'll forward it to my friend Matt, who handles queries for novels over at the QQQE.


This week's query comes from Lisa Cook, who tells me that she is very nervous, so be super nice to her, okay? Okay.


Edited to add: Lisa blogs! Go follow her! HERE and HERE.


Here's her query, with my thoughts afterwards in red.

Dear Ms. Jones:

In the summer of 1791 baseballs and broken windows were a big problem for the town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts. This historical fiction picture book, “Baseballs and Broken Windows”, (965 words), tells the tale of a group of boys who are determined not to let anything keep them from their favorite pastime, not even a pesky law. While the boys and their story are fictitious, the scenario leading up to the creation of the Broken Window By-Law was likely very similar. This law is the earliest known reference to baseball being played in the United States, and a unique bit of American history.  I think you’ll find that this story is able to draw in young baseball enthusiasts, captivate their imagination, and teach them something new.  

 “Hey Batta Batta Swing! The Wild Old Days of Baseball” by Sally Cook and James Charlton offers an interesting look at the history of baseball. However, my story sites a specific event from baseball’s earliest days; one that most people have never heard of.

I am a member of the New England chapter of SCBWI, and have been published in Stories for Children Magazine, and Imagination Café.

A copy of the complete bibliography is available on request. This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is actually a very good query. And it's the first query I've seen for an historical fiction, so while on one hand I'm pretty excited to read something new to me, on the other hand, this is new to me, and you should take my feedback with a larger-than-usual chunk of salt.

Dear Ms. Jones: I'm assuming "Ms. Jones" is a proxy for the agent or editor's name; in any case, "Dear Ms. Such-and-such" is far preferable to "Dear Editor," so well done.

In the summer of 1791 baseballs and broken windows were a big problem for the town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts. This historical fiction picture book, “Baseballs and Broken Windows”, The title of your manuscript should be in ALL CAPS LIKE THIS, without any quotation marks. It's the industry standard. (965 words), tells the tale of a group of boys who are determined not to let anything keep them from their favorite pastime, not even a pesky law. While the boys and their story are fictitious, the scenario leading up to the creation of the Broken Window By-Law was likely very similar. This law is the earliest known reference to baseball being played in the United States, and a unique bit of American history.  I think you’ll find that this story is able to draw in young baseball enthusiasts, captivate their imagination, and teach them something new.


DUDE! I totally want to read this! I grew up in Cincinnati, which is the birthplace of professional baseball, so this is right up my alley. I love me some baseball history.


This first paragraph is a bit lengthy, and you repeat some information by telling us that your MS is historical fiction, and then later by telling us that the story of the boys in your book is fictitious. Additionally, mentioning the pesky law before telling us that the Broken Windows By-Law exists is a little confusing. I'd tell us about the by-law right after the first sentence, and then tell us about your book, closing with the part about drawing in young baseball enthusiasts. The part about the law being the earliest known reference to baseball being played in the US could go, I think, but we'll see what others have to say about that. It's certainly interesting information, but not necessarily pertinent to your story. If you keep it, I'd put it in the next paragraph.

 “Hey Batta Batta Swing! The Wild Old Days of Baseball” This title should also be in ALL CAPS without quotation marks. by Sally Cook and James Charlton offers an interesting look at the history of baseball. However, my story sites You've got a typo here: you're looking for "cites." a specific event from baseball’s earliest days; one that most people have never heard of. This feels kind of stuck in; I'd try to reword it to include the section from the last paragraph. Or, you could cut it; the first section certainly makes me want to read your pages.

I am a member of the New England chapter of SCBWI, and have been published in Stories for Children Magazine, and Imagination Café. It's not clear, but I cut that comma after "magazine."

A copy of the complete bibliography is available on request. I've never seen anything about a bibliography in a query before - since this is fiction, and not non-fiction, I'd cut it. Besides, you've enclosed your manuscript, which is what they really need to see. This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And that's the query! I think we should all congratulate Lisa on a fantastic job - this query was pretty polished when it came in, and I really didn't have much to say about it. 


And now let's hear some of your opinions in the comments! Agree with my feedback? Disagree? Share your thoughts with Lisa.